


Leave The Past Behind

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:43:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader is coming back home after years of living in England with her brother where she came with a broken heart. - AUWarnings: cursing, talks about: miscarriage, cheating, child abuse and suicide attempt





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

When you were a child you dreamed of whom you are going to become. Sometimes you wondered what would feel like to be a wizard or a magical creature. During a long period of time, you wanted to be a Jedi. You knew that those dreams will never come true, but you didn’t need them to come true as long as you had your best friend beside you.

Your biggest fear was to be left alone because then the real darkness of your thoughts would be revealed. That fear was caused when you were abandoned by those who should have been there for you. You still could remember that day although people claim that you were too young to be aware of what was happening.   
The life that you had now was complicated, but at least a little bit easier than before because five years ago started the beginning of your suffering.  Five years ago your world crashed down. You thought that you knew what pain was before, but you were wrong, you didn’t know anything. 

* * *

You were in the cab with your brother to go back home after a long flight from England where you lived with him for the past five years. Although the place you were heading to was not a home to you anymore, you promised to your friend Natasha that you will come to visit. You left a lot behind in America, the man who was your father, but never acted like it and your younger brother Peter who turned eighteen a few months ago and a woman that was like a mother to you.  
˝Everything will be alright, you have to calm down.˝ T’Challa spoke holding your hand in his.  
˝I don’t believe in that. It feels like this country was never the place where we belong. I always felt lost here and I still do.˝ You held your gaze to your lap where your hands were.   
˝I told you many times and I will tell you one more time. Leave the past behind. Nothing good is going to happen if you continue to hold on it.˝ Placing his finger under your chin he lifted your head so that you would look at him. ˝I know that it pains you, but try to be happy here even just for a while. We are visiting and not moving back.˝  
˝I’ll try for Pete, Nat, and Wanda. I still can’t believe that Wanda agreed to come.˝  
˝She is trying to accept her mother’s wishes, it’s been six years. You know that they barely talk. It’s been hard for Pepper since Pietro left he hasn’t talked to her since.˝  
˝Well, I don’t really care for her feelings she made her own decision without telling them in time. She made her own children to hate her just as my father has.˝ You said through your teeth still not really knowing why you have decided to come back even just for a while.  
˝Tony tried, I know that he tried to late, but…˝  
˝But what T? Howard was more a father to me than Tony.˝ Your words were laced with venom towards your father. You were aware that he wasn’t a bad man, but some of his choices made you despise him.  
˝I’m aware of that, but the hatred for Tony will not bring him back. Don’t forget that he was also like a father to me. The only father I had.˝ He lowered his head remembering the day you both lost him. But T’Challa only lost Howard that night while you also lost yourself.  
˝I will behave, alright? For you T, I will try to not fight with anyone.˝  
He squeezed your hand at your words hoping that everything will go without shouting at each other, but he could only hope, knowing the truth.  

* * *

˝Yes, Nat, I told you we’ll be there in thirty minutes˝  
˝Okay, nobody’s is home so you will have time to relax˝  
Only Natasha knew that you were coming. It was Howard’s birthday; you wanted to celebrate that day in memory of him. It was really hard to decide to stay more than a day, but you had to, for Howard, the man who was always there for you.  
˝Did you know that somebody else was coming? ˝ She asked enthusiastically.  
˝Let me guess your boyfriend?˝ You asked forcing a smile on your face although she couldn’t see you and T’Challa could see through it.  
˝Yup, but not just him˝  
˝Who? ˝ You were counting people in your head when she answered.  
˝It wouldn’t be surprised if I tell you˝  
˝Bucky? ˝  
˝Y/N, why would he be a surprise? ˝ You could hear in her voice that she was confused about you mentioning him.  
˝I’m glad that I’m going to see him after so long˝ You said more convincing yourself than her. Truthfully, you did miss him after all he was your best friend for more than a decade.  
˝Y/N, honey, you know that he…? ˝ She didn’t have to finish because you knew what she meant, at least you thought so.  
˝Yeah, I know. See you soon˝, you ended the call and took a deep breath.

* * *

˝Hey, anybody home˝, you walked in your old house, all the memories start to replay in your brain while your brother was still holding your hand.  
˝Y/N/N! ˝, Nat ran to you. She hugged you and didn’t want to let you go.  
˝Natasha! I have to breathe˝  
˝So dramatic, it doesn’t surprise me that you found your new home in London. Now you are to posh to even hug your friend. ˝ She turned towards T’Challa ˝Are you also too posh for giving me a hug?˝  
T’Challa pulled her into the hug lifting her feet off the ground causing her to giggle.  
Just looking at her you could see how happier she was. She started dating Clint and you were happy for them because Clint was the best guy with whom she could be.  
˝Wanda will be here soon. You should go up to your rooms to relax before the madness starts. I can’t wait to see Peter’s face when he sees you two. ˝  
˝He is a little dork˝, you smiled, remembering your last conversation with your brother.   
˝You told him!? ˝  
˝I didn’t, Nat chill. ˝  
˝I see it on your face and on your too. Now I see why he was so eager to come home from college. Everybody will be here soon. ˝  
˝Oh shit.. ˝, you rubbed your eyes, your head was hurting. ˝Everybody, as in everybody? You didn’t prepare me for that. ˝ You felt lightheaded because you didn’t walk out only on your father and brother, but on many others with whom you haven’t spoken since leaving.  
You didn’t have a large family, but your father, Tony Stark had many close friends.  
It probably meant that Scott, Hope, Thor, Jane, Sam, and Rhodey will be there, maybe even Bruce and Maria, also a thought that May could be there crossed your mind.   
You walked on the second floor and into your old room leaving your brother with Nat to talk. Everything was still in its place. Room was big with king size bed, balcony, everything that you could have wished, but you didn’t wish for material things. You never wished for it, you wished for a family and five years ago you wished that you weren’t forced to leave, to leave this house and country.   
You walked into the bathroom. You made yourself a bath and you got into the bathtub. The music was quietly playing on your phone and you closed your eyes. It was really peaceful, a cure for your headache. You heard voices downstairs, but you didn’t want to go down so you stayed. You finally got out of the bathtub and you got dressed in your fluffy sweatpants, black shirt, and fluffy socks. You were sure that your father will send you back to dress something else because you had guests, but you wanted to feel like old you even just for a few minutes.


	2. Chapter 2

You could hear voices and laughter. You stood in front of the table looking at everybody, they were happy, something that you wanted to be. You hoped that they won’t notice.   
˝Hey˝, you whispered, but everybody heard you. Pepper your stepmother hugged you and you had to stop yourself from rolling your eyes because you were never that close to her. Pepper became your stepmother six years ago, but you couldn’t care less about it because you couldn’t accept her and Tony as your parents. Howard was the only man that was like a father to you just as May who was Tony’s first wife and Peppers sister was like a mother to you. She and Tony had a messy divorce especially about Peter and through the whole process, you were by her side just like T’Challa was.

˝You should dress something else we are having guests˝, you ignored here and smiled at your best friend Wanda.  
˝Am I dreaming?˝ May asked. You missed her so much. She hugged you tight and you couldn’t breathe so you relaxed your body and when she suddenly let you go you fall to the floor.  
˝God, Y/N/N, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that you will do that. I thought that you’ve grown up. ˝ You kept on lying on the floor. You heard the front doors opening and closing a few times, but you ignored.   
˝Are you waiting for me to carry you? But I’m so old, I’m a fragile lady. ˝  
You didn’t move and suddenly you felt T’Challas hands grabbing you off the floor. He was carrying you in his arms to your room. You were keeping your head down, looking at the ground upside down.  
˝Wait˝, you said to him when you saw a familiar figure standing a few feet from you both.  
T’Challa let you down and you smiled seeing Bucky, you hugged him and he was surprised by your actions. He didn’t expect you to behave like that.  
˝I missed you˝  
˝I missed you too. I want you t.. ˝  
˝Sorry, I can’t right now, my evil stepmother ordered me to change my clothes. I’m not decent enough for being here. ˝ You forced a smiled at Pepper asking yourself how many times will you have to do it while staying.

* * *

 

When you come down in your black jeans and button up shirt barely walking because you couldn’t zip your boots because of your thick fluffy socks, everybody was sitting at the table. You quietly walk to the table you wanted to sit next to Wanda, but she stopped you.  
˝Not here, I’m saving seat for someone˝  
˝Is he…? Oh God, he is coming˝, you almost screamed.  
˝I didn’t say anything. ˝  
You sat next to the empty place that Wanda was saving. You hoped that Pietro will come. He was also your friend, he may be your half-brother on the paper, but no blood connects you to him and Wanda. He went to the army when he was eighteen finally able to escape from his mother and her bad decisions. When you were younger you would always hang out with the twins. They were your friends. You thought that you and Pietro would drift away when he left, but you didn’t. He would call you whenever he could; he also visited you when you were a mess a few months after you moved to London.  
˝Y/N˝, Bucky’s voice brought you back and you couldn’t stop smiling.  
˝Peggy˝ you whispered looking at the brown haired woman at the table with a child in her arms. She was a girl with whom you went to high school. You didn’t even really know her. You rarely saw her at school and that was it.   
The anger was growing inside you still staring at her. Bucky had a kid and a wife. When did that happen?  
˝How long do you know each other?˝  
˝For years.˝ Peggy answered with a smile on her face.  
Your smile faded and you were getting more pissed. You left five years ago it wasn’t really that you wanted to, you feel like you didn’t belong there anymore because of him. He created the person you were today, a sad person.  
He wanted to say something, but the baby started crying. He had the life that you always wanted. Who could even blame him, she was perfect.  
He took the baby in his arms and you felt sick. You got up from the table almost at the same time when somebody opened the front door.  
˝Pietro? ˝ You threw your boots and you ran to him, forgetting about the man you loved and running into the arms of the one you love. You slipped and fell on the floor just a few feet away from him, you threw your arm in the air and yelled ˝I’m fine˝  
Pietro came to you and you were smiling at him from the floor.  
˝Are you okay, beautiful? ˝  
You took his hand and smiled.  
˝I missed you, you idiot. How long are you staying? ˝ You asked playing with the button on his uniform.  
˝I actually don’t know. I was discharged. ˝  
˝Really? ˝   
He nodded at your question and you hugged him. He was struggling with nightmares and you weren’t surprised to hear that they don’t want him there anymore. He’s been through hell and back. You took his hand and guided him to the table.  
˝Guys, look who finally came home? ˝  
˝We know˝ Your father smiled.  
You all sat down and start eating.   
˝Bruce will come today, in a few hours with Maria. We should prepare another room˝, your father was saying to Pepper.  
˝He can stay in the room you prepared for Pietro˝  
Everybody looked at you except Pietro, because it wasn’t unusual. Anytime when he would come to London, he would sleep with you in bed. He suffered from PTSD and you would help him during his night terrors. In London, you shared an apartment with your brother and he loved Pietro, so you never thought that somebody wouldn’t be accepting of that because there was nobody except your brothers and May who cared that much about you.  
˝That’s a joke? ˝ Tony asked glancing at you and then at Pietro.  
˝He can stay.. ˝  
˝I know what you mean Y/N, but.. ˝ Tony was angry. He couldn’t understand how you could even suggest that.  
˝It wouldn’t be the first time˝ You looked around the table and all the people who were your true family smiled at you and it made you happy, especially when May smiled.  
Bucky choked on his water hearing your words. ˝What? ˝ He asked.  
˝Don’t worry Buck he doesn’t mind sharing a bed with me˝, you excused yourself from the table. Hearing somebody following, you left the door of your room open. You unbutton your shirt and start changing into your pajamas. Pietro put his bag on the floor and headed to the bathroom.  
You lay in your bed waiting for Pietro so that you could cuddle with him. It was cold and he was like a human heater.  
˝Are you okay? ˝ He asked, walking out from the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Water was dripping from his hair and you smiled.  
˝Yeah, It’s just… ˝  
He put his pants and shirt on and lay in bed and you put your head on his chest.  
˝I know. You haven’t seen him for years. ˝  
˝It’s not just that, now when I see him with her and that baby, I just… ˝.  
He could feel your tears falling on his shirt and you were shaking. ˝You wished that he was there for you? ˝  
˝I just don’t understand why he didn’t answer his phone. He never called not even a simple text. He was my friend, I felt betrayed. ˝ You were speaking quietly, putting your head in the crook of his neck. His hands were around your waist.  
˝Why would your father invite him here? ˝  
˝My father and his were really close friends and obviously, that gives him a chance of being at the family dinner. ˝  
˝I wished that I could say something to make you feel better. ˝  
˝You already have, you are here. The best thing that ever happened to me was meeting you. I know that in the past, I wished that he was there, but I don’t anymore. ˝


	3. Chapter 3

˝Morning˝  
You took a cup from the shelf and slightly smiled at Bucky. ˝Rough night? ˝  
˝Yeah, Alice was crying most of the night˝  
You hated him even more at the moment for telling you here name. You thought that it would hurt less if you didn’t know it.  
˝How old is she? ˝  
˝Six months˝, he poured coffee into your cup.  
˝Were you together then? ˝  
˝What? ˝

˝Were you together ˝, you took a deep breath ˝ when we… ˝  
˝Y/N/N, I’m no… ˝  
˝It’s a simple question, Buck, ˝  
After Pietro fell asleep last night, you started thinking to yourself. After all these years you deserved to know the truth because it seemed that he wasn’t bothered with you leaving without talking to him.   
˝No  I’m not w…˝, he whispered.  
˝You are lying˝  
˝I’m not˝, he raised his voice and put his cup on the counter. ˝Why would I lie about that? Are you still blaming me for something that doesn’t have anything to do with you?˝ He yelled and you were sure that he will wake up others.   
˝I left because of you, a fucking bastard.˝  
˝I’m the bastard? You only ever thought about your pathetic little crush and nothing else. I wanted to call you, but you decided to leave, leaving behind just a little fucking note! Friends don’t do what you did!˝  
He didn’t even deny what you were implying. It was enough; you couldn’t take it anymore, so you screamed.  
˝At the time I didn’t care about you taking advantage of me. I was pathetic and stupid! And I’m pretty sure that not even minute after you broke me you fucked that whore!˝  
You were ready to leave, so you turned around. Peggy, your father, Pepper, May, and Peter whom you haven’t even seen yesterday were standing at the doors. While you were leaving, you looked Peggy in her eyes and if the look could kill, she would be lying dead on the ground.   
You heard Bucky yelling after you ˝You were the one that walked away, not me! You left!˝

* * *

_It’s been a week and you didn’t feel well, you were sick for days. At one point you even thought about the possibility that you were pregnant, but you didn’t want to believe in that._  
After a couple more days passed by you decided to make a test. You weren’t surprised when you saw two lines. You were pregnant, but you were not coming back because of Bucky. You made a decision to go back home and live there so that you could give Bucky a chance to be a part of your child’s life, although you were aware that there is a chance of him denying that he is the father.   
The first person you called was Pietro, he was happy for you. He knew that you will love that kid with all your heart, that’s why he was broken when your brother called him around eight months later.   
You were almost eight months pregnant when the car hit you. It was a drunk driver. You wanted to blame him, but you could only blame yourself, you lost your baby. You locked yourself in your apartment when you came home from the hospital. You refused to speak to anyone.  
But two weeks after it happened you couldn’t believe when you woke up next to Pietro. He was holding you close still asleep. He looked so peaceful, but you knew about the terrors that he saw.  
˝She is gone˝, you whispered into his chest. Your words woke him up and the first thing he saw was you crying next to him.  
˝I know˝, his heart was breaking although it was already shattered.  
˝I..I can’t… he didn’t even answer˝  
˝Y/N/N, he…I don’t know. Forget about him, it’s only bringing you more pain. ˝  
˝But he was.. .he would have been her father. I know that I didn’t even meet her, but it hurts so bad. She would be.. ˝, you broke down.  
˝She would be perfect, just like you˝, he gently made patterns with his fingers on your shoulder.  
˝Do you think that she would have been happy with the life that I’ve planned for her? ˝  
˝I know that she would have been happy with mother like you˝  
˝You are just saying that˝, you murmured between your sniffles.  
˝I’m not. Can’t you see what an amazing human being you are? You held me through so many nightmares, you were there for me even when I attacked you during the night. You never turned your back to me. I know you and I know that you’ll get through this. ˝  
˝I can’t do this alone. Will you stay?˝  
˝General gave me two weeks. His wife lost their baby four years ago. He understands what you are going through. ˝  
˝But it’s not your baby˝, you said it quickly with no intention of hurting him.  
˝I know, but I love you and I know that T’Challa is here for you, but I can’t leave you.˝  
˝I don’t think that I will get better, that I will forget her˝ You whispered against his chest.  
˝You are not meant to forget her. But you have to learn how to look at the past when you were holding her in your belly with a sad smile, not with teary eyes. Maybe her soul was never meant to be with you, but she will maybe find her home somewhere else. ˝  
˝But she will never be mine˝, you said before closing your eyes.

* * *

˝Can you leave us alone?˝ After Peggy and others left Tony sat at the table next to Bucky.  
˝You didn’t tell her?˝  
˝What Tony?˝ Bucky stared at his cup, trying to hold back his tears.  
˝You told me that you will talk with her when she left five years ago. You didn’t. Why didn’t you try?˝ Your father tried to talk to you about Bucky when you left, but you didn’t want to. You even made him promise to you that he won’t tell him about the baby, although you weren’t even sure how he knew about it.  
˝I never tried because I told her that I didn’t love her like that.˝  
˝You did what, Barnes?!˝ Tony clenched his fists and he looked at Bucky with anger in his eyes. Tony made a lot of mistakes considering you and he promised himself that he will make everything in his power to make you happy even stepping back when you spend more time with his father and just a few minutes a day with him  
˝I have slept with Y/N once, we were both drunk. The next morning she wanted to talk about us and I told her that there will never be anything between us. I was just starting to date Peggy in that period, it didn’t last, but…˝  
˝You broke her heart? What’s wrong with you? She was always there for you, your best friend.˝   
˝I would never hurt her˝ Bucky said letting the tear roll down his cheek. He loved you he still does. He let you go because it was his fault, he knew that you would feel guilty if he told you about Peggy, he would lose you and he did in the end. And after that night he couldn’t even look himself in the mirror because he slept with you while you weren’t in the right state of mind, just like he wasn’t, but he blamed himself because he always wanted you. That night he was given the chance to have you and his drunken self couldn’t let it slip through his fingers.  
˝But you did. Do you understand what she’s been through?˝  
˝I’m sorry.˝ Bucky whispered.  
˝She lost the baby and you weren’t there to hold her.˝   
˝What?˝ Bucky’s voice was shaking.  
˝She lost your baby after she left us, she even decided to move back after she gives birth so that you could see your child.˝  
˝Why didn’t she tell…˝  
˝You lost that right when you hurt her. Now she saw you with Peggy and her daughter, something that she would have had and she doesn’t even now that they are not your family. ˝ Tony said getting up. ˝During your time here Bucky, don’t hurt her again, this time I won’t forgive you for hurting my baby girl. I have for what you have done five years ago, but just because you lost yours.˝ Tony left and Bucky completely broke down.  
˝Girl? My baby girl…˝ He sobbed.


	4. Chapter 4

When you are abandoned as a child you try to savor every moment that you have with those who are close to you. You try to hold onto as long as you can, but sometimes you let go. You let go of those who were there for you so that you could make a distance from those who hurt you. You even try to run from yourself, and it takes years to find yourself again.

* * *

_˝This won’t last T˝, you said with a smile on your face as you were sitting with T’Challa on the short stone fence._  
˝I’ve been here for three years, it seems permanent to me.˝ He shrugged his shoulders as you both stared into the distance where other kids were playing.  
˝Would it be that bad to stay with me?˝ You asked losing the smile on your face. You were brought here six months ago after your mother left you in front of the hospital when you were only four years old. She told you that she can’t give you a home that you deserve when in reality she was sick of having a child for whom she has to look after. It was a miracle that she didn’t give you away sooner.  
˝Of course it wouldn’t, I wish that we could both leave this place.˝ He pulled you closer wrapping his arm around you and you hissed at the contact. ˝I’m sorry it slipped my mind that you are hurt.˝  
˝Is it funny that I’m actually getting used to this kind of pain?˝ You said with watery eyes.  
˝You can never get used to it.˝ He said.  
If anyone was watching you right there in the green garden with so many toys and smiling children they would think that you were happy, but that wasn’t your reality. You were living in the home where were more than six children per room that were small barely large enough for three children beds. You shared your bed with T’Challa who was the only one in the room around your age. The others were older than ten and every time when you would be punished from the woman who was the owner of the house the kids in your room would hit you even after that lady already hurt you enough for the bruises to form on your back and shoulders. You thought then that you knew what pain is, but you weren’t even close to it.

* * *

˝You were right back then.˝ You looked over to your brother who sat with you on the roof. ˝You can never get used to the pain. I still think about her every day. She would be almost the same age as when you and I met.˝  
˝She would have a better life. She would be loved from the day she was born.˝   
You both stared at into the distance seeing how different this was than when you were kids. Then you would stare at kids that played trying to forget about the metal fence that was between you and dirt all around you while now only thing before you was another luxury house.  
˝I promised myself when Howard took us that if one day I will have a child they will have a family by their side.˝ You let the tear to roll down not caring about the loud barking of neighbors Shih Tzu.   
˝She would, stop being blind.˝ T’Challa glanced your way hating to see you cry. ˝She would have you, me the twins, Nat, our brother, May even Tony.˝  
˝But not a father, he would be disgusted by the idea of having a child with me.˝  
˝Why are you thinking that way, Bucky is not a bad guy?˝ T’Challa knew Bucky almost good as you did, him being the same age as Bucky and Steve while the twins were your age a few months older.  
˝I never told you what he said to me the day when I woke up in his bed.˝ You let out a nervous chuckle think to yourself what an idiot you were to even ask him if there will ever be something between you. ˝He said that he must have mistaken me for Peggy, although that has no sense, but he insisted on that. When I didn’t want to let it go, he said that he would never touch me if he wasn’t drunk. His exact words were ‘the thought of touching you disgusts me’. I will always hate myself for thinking about abortion because of his words. They were stuck so deeply into my brain that I was afraid that one day he would say something similar about my child. ˝  
You weren’t the only one that was crying now and he pulled you into his embrace holding you the tightest he could.  
˝He was a fool that will spend his life alone.˝ He whispered into your ear.  
˝He doesn’t deserve that kind of a life. He deserves to be happy as he is now with Peggy and Alice.˝ You could feel his hold loosen as he moved away to look at you.   
˝Alice is not his. She is Steve’s daughter and Peggy is his wife. He couldn’t come so Bucky decided to come with them because he didn’t want them to travel alone. Steve will be here tomorrow I think.˝  
˝Why wouldn’t he be with her when he al..˝  
˝You are going to think that I’m a school girl with how much informations I have, but Steve couldn’t talk to anyone about this so he talked to me.˝   
˝About what exactly?˝ You asked. After you left you told to those with whom you stayed in touch that they can’t talk about Buck, Peggy, Pepper and Steve because he was Bucky’s best friend or you will stop talking to them.  
˝After you left and came to live with me that summer Bucky was starting to loss himself. He stopped talking to people; he kept to himself and he…˝ T’Challa stopped for a moment taking a deep breath.  
˝What?˝   
˝He overdosed himself˝, his voice was now like a whisper, but you heard it and you hopped that you misheard. ˝Steve found him in his dorm room a week after the semester started.˝  
˝Why would he do that; he wasn’t the one who was hurt?˝  
˝He remembered what happen that night. He blames himself that if he didn’t want it that much that it wouldn’t happen. He made himself to believe that he raped you and then he choose to get you away from himself by hurting you even more, he wasn’t aware that the only reason why you drank that night was because Howard died and finding about that broke him even more. Steve said that he couldn’t sleep for months so the doctor prescribed him pills to help him, but it didn’t help. He had nightmares and one day he just gave up.˝  
You didn’t notice when you started crying again, but your face was wet from tears and your eyes red. ˝I don’t understand. He didn’t want me, T. He had Peggy, why would he leave her?˝  
˝He was in love with you since we were kids, he didn’t want to loss you by confessing. He was with Peggy only on one date before you two were together. He ended it after.˝  
˝He didn’t want to hurt me, but that is exactly what he did.˝ You sniffled wiping your face with the sleeve of your sweater.  
˝Can you forgive him for that?˝  
˝There is nothing to be forgiven. We all make mistakes.˝


	5. Chapter 5

_It’s been exactly four days since he overdosed himself and exactly one day since he left the hospital. Still, he couldn’t point the thing that has thrown him over the edge. He was dealing with such a heavy burden on his heart that he wasn’t surprised that he gave up, but it bothered him what was the final thing that broke him. His mind was always filled with the thoughts of you. Every day he would force himself to think about what he has done. It wasn’t only on him, but he wanted to take the whole burden knowing that you were more vulnerable than him losing Howard that night._

_He wanted to contact you, to apologize for everything, however, he couldn’t. He knew your number by the heart, but he couldn’t dial the number no matter how much he wanted to hear your voice, to hear you saying his name. Every day he decided against it and that was how he completely lost you. He lost his best friend, the girl he loved since you were kids just because he made a mistake almost three months ago. Three months past with him not being able to sleep, with him drinking so much to pass out just to get some rest. Maybe there was no final drop that took him over, it was those three months that lead him there and nothing else, but maybe it was the picture that he found in the shoe box under his bed; you and him on the first day of summer, laughing together sitting by the beach although it was still too cold to go swimming._

_During those four days, his best friend Steve didn’t want to leave his side. He was afraid that Bucky would try to kill himself again and he blamed himself for not noticing how his friend was falling deeper and deeper into the depression. He saw the signs, but he couldn’t know how serious it was getting. He wished that he did than he would have been able to help him, but now he doesn’t even know what to do. He feels helpless not knowing how to help his best friend who was losing the ground under his feet._

_˝Bucky you have to talk to her. At least just to apologize to each other, she was your friend as long as I’ve been, don’t throw that away!˝ Those were Steve’s words after an hour of fighting with Bucky when he found him in his dorm room with a bottle of whiskey in his hand._

_˝I am not throwing anything away, Steve! There was never anything between us except lies!˝ Bucky was still sitting on the ground next to his bed where Steve found him._

_˝You are lying to yourself. You can’t see it, can you? You will both end up hurt in the end! You will regret it when you see her again!˝_

_˝We already are hurt, Steve. Can’t you see? She fucking hates me! She left me, she left! And she didn’t even bother to talk to me, she only left a note with three stupid fucking words that broke me!˝ Bucky was crying holding his fists clenched trying to calm down and failing._

_˝They weren’t stupid, Bucky˝, Steve said silently sitting down beside Bucky and moving the bottle away from him. ˝You should have said it back; you should have gone after her.˝_

_˝You don’t get it˝, he sniffled closing his eyes with his head leaning against his bed. ˝It didn’t say ‘I love you’ because she doesn’t. Not anymore. I hurt her after everything that she’s been through, after trusting me. I hurt her while I tried so hard not to.˝_

_˝You are being stupid. You can’t sleep, you barely eat. You will kill yourself.˝_

_˝Well, I already tried, didn’t I?˝ He let out a shaky breath hoping for all the pain to go away._

* * *

You were lying on your back watching the rays of sun that were coming through the window. You found yourself back in bed after the conversation with T’Challa. Pietro was next to you with his head in the crook of your neck and his hands held you close to him and you couldn’t be more grateful for that.

˝Was it a wrong decision?˝ You broke the silence moving your fingers through his messy hair.

˝What exactly? I’m hoping not us˝, he playfully said lifting his head up to see your face. He prompted himself on his hand, moving his other to your cheek.

˝We haven’t even started so not that. I’m talking about leaving from here. I just left without any kind of conversation with Bucky and with my father. I left Tony just after Howard died he will never forgive me.˝

˝Tony could never hold that against you. I understand what you are saying about Bucky and you should probably talk to him before you leave.˝ He still held his hand on your cheek gently stroking it with his thumb.

˝I don’t know what to say to him. Not after everything that happened to me and him.˝ Your eyes began filling with tears just by thinking of what you will have to tell him.

˝Hey, sometimes you don’t have to say anything at first. Actions speak louder than words.˝

˝What should I do?˝

˝Just let him know that you are here for him and that you are alright with everything that happened.˝ He smiled at your confusion.

˝How could I do that without talking?˝

˝Hug him, the same as you hug me after nightmare.˝ He said simply.

˝You think that it will be enough?˝ You asked curiously not knowing how could that help.

˝It is always enough for me.˝

˝How do you do it?˝ You asked suddenly moving slightly in bed to get more comfortable.

˝What?˝

˝Always making me feel better. Whenever I’m on the edge you pull me away from it.˝

Pietro didn’t say anything on that simply moving closer to you and pulling you closer to him.

˝Thank you, Pete˝

˝There is nothing to thank me, you are always there for me.˝

* * *

When Steve finally arrived he was told that Bucky is not alright, finding him in the guest room crying on the floor.

Immediately when Bucky saw Steve his sobs got louder. ˝I lost her, Steve, I lost her.˝

Steve quickly moved to the ground pulling his best friend into a hug.

˝She is here, you can talk to her. You can try to fix things it’s not too late.˝ He whispered hoping that Bucky would finally listen to him.

˝What?˝ His voice cracked as he asked under his breath.

˝You can try to talk to her Bucky. I know that it’s been a long tim..˝

˝I lost my baby˝, he whispered interrupting Steve who moved away a little from him to see his face.

˝Bucky, what are you tal..˝ Steve wasn’t aware of what was happening with you. He did talk to T’Challa, but your brother never told him not wanting for him to keep that kind of a secret from Bucky.

˝I had a daughter. She is dead, Steve and I don’t even know how.˝

˝Are you saying that Y/N was pregnant when she left?˝ Steve was trying to put the pieces into its place.

˝If she had stayed, if she hadn’t left because of me, maybe our baby would be alive. I would be a father.˝

˝Bucky, you can’t know that. You don’t know what happened.˝

˝Does it matter?˝ He asked standing up with his back facing Steve. ˝If I was with her they would have been safe! She is dead because of me!˝

˝No, Bucky calm down˝, he placed his hand on his shoulder, but Bucky pulled away from him. ˝It’s not your fault.˝

˝Just admit it for once, I destroy everything!˝

Their screams could be heard through the house and they finally stopped when you entered the room.


	6. Chapter 6

It was silent while you were sitting on the bench next to the window staring at the wall across you avoiding Bucky’s eyes. Neither of you knew how to say what you wanted to say. After a few more moments of silence, you decided to speak.

˝I’m sorry˝

Your apology didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky who shifted sitting on the edge of the bed. ˝I should be the one apolo..˝

You cut him off before he could continue. ˝No, Bucky, I know what you are thinking, but that night should be forgotten. It is on both of us, we were both drunk and stupid. We both took advantage of each other, but we were aware of it. Nobody got hurt, Buck. It is in the past now.˝ You said sincerely.

˝Our daughter got hurt.˝ He said quietly like a whisper, but you heard him.

You swallowed the lump in your throat before speaking. ˝I need you to know that I would never hide her from you. I would agree with shared custody once when she is born, but that never happened. I was around eight months pregnant when a car hit me.˝

˝If I was there, I co..˝

˝No, it was supposed to happen, it just did. It didn’t matter where I was or with whom. It just happened, it is what it is.˝

˝Her name…˝, he tried not to cry before asking, ˝what name did you chose?˝

˝I actually didn’t. I thought that if you would want to be involved that we should do it together, but I did have a few on my mind.˝ You said with a sad smile on your face.

˝What do you mean if I would want to be involved? Of course that I would be there for you and her.˝ He was genuinely hurt by your statement which made him look away from you staring at the ground.

˝Before I left, do you remember how the things were left between us? That morning do you remember what you told me?˝ You said struggling not to cry. It was a long time ago, but the pain that was caused by his words never left.

˝I didn’t mean it. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, I got scared that morning.˝

˝Of what?˝ You asked tugging at your sleeve.

˝Of your rejection.˝

˝My rejection? I was the one who asked you!˝ You raised your voice standing up while his head was still held low.

˝But it would happen˝, he looked up catching your gaze. ˝You would realize that I’m not good enough like everybody else does. My own father thinks that I’m a failure.˝

˝And I am like your father?˝ His confession made you angry. You knew how he was always sad after his father would yell at him for being a waste of space. His father was a bad person that would always shout at him whenever he does something that is not in his father’s plans.

˝Of course you are not, but we both know how we would end.˝

˝No, Buck. We know how we did end, our friendship, and everything. I want to leave it behind. I came here for Howard and I will leave in a few days, but I don’t want us to be strangers.˝

˝I miss you˝, a tear slipped from his eye and your heart broke a little.

˝I know, I miss you too, but there is no going back.˝ You approached him slowly standing in between his legs.

˝Yeah, right, I’m sorry. You are with Pietro now.˝

˝We are friends at the moment, but we will try to be more now when he has been discharged. He didn’t want to try sooner because he wanted for me to find somebody who will be there for me all the time.˝ You wiped the tear from his cheek smiling softly at him.

˝I hope that you will be happy. You deserve it.˝ He sneaked his hands around your waist bringing you closer with his head resting against your stomach.

˝So do you.˝ You said holding him close.  

* * *

After family lunch, you sat in the backyard where you used to play with your brother and Howard. It was hard for you to be home now knowing that you will never see Howard again, but at least your father was around and he cared for you no matter how much you wanted to push him away he always stayed by your side. He always cared and always wanted you to know that he will always be there for you.

After sitting on the white bench for a while Tony sat next to you not saying anything, so you decided to speak.

˝He would be so mad at me if he was here.˝ You said while your lips moved into a small smile.

˝He wouldn’t. He would pull you in a hug and ask you if he could do anything to help you. He loved you and T’Challa more than he ever loved me. He was always proud of you two and Peter and so am I. ˝ Tony placed his hand on yours that you were keeping in your lap.

˝He loved you too Tony. One time he even forced me to hang out with you or he would ground me. I know that as my father you don’t want to hear it, but I hated you Tony, so much. I know that it wasn’t your fault; you didn’t know that she was pregnant, but when you are abandoned as a child who can you blame than those who should have been there for you.˝ Squeezing his hand you glanced his way. You were happy to finally sit down with him and just talk. He wasn’t a bad father, but it took you a long time to realize that and while you were a kid you hurt him many times with your behavior when you would choose Howard instead of him.

˝If I knew, I would have never left you. I was young, but I would never walk away from you.˝ His voice was low as he was talking to a child not wanting to upset it, but in reality he didn’t want you to leave him as if he means nothing to you.

˝Is that why you fought for Peter so much although May wouldn’t even take him away?˝

˝I couldn’t lose another child˝ He confessed knowing how ignorant he was at the time, but he couldn’t let himself to be away from Peter, although in the process you got even more mad at him.

˝But you have never lost us. If you were just more with us, I know that I was difficult when Howard brought us here, but after, you were never there. I know that he needed you to lead the company, but we needed a father. I needed a father and you weren’t there.˝

˝I know and that is my fault and I’m happy that he was there for you. He raised you well. If it was me you would be awful.˝ He laughed saying the last words.

˝I mean I am awful, but at least Peter and T’Challa are good, so 2 out of 3, it’s a good number.˝ You said a bit louder.

˝Don‘t put yourself down. It’s 3 out of 3. You did a few mistakes in your life and that’s it. I love you, kid.˝ He moved his hand over your shoulder pulling you closer to him.

˝I love you too, dad.˝ You smiled before kissing his cheek.

˝Did you just..˝ He was in a daze, you almost never called him dad, the best he could get from you was father, but that sounded too fake to him.

˝Don’t let it get to your head, old man. At least one part of the family is alright.˝

˝It is kinda both.˝

˝What?˝ You asked curious, hoping that he was talking about Wanda. You did talk to her while you were here, but she never said anything about what he could be talking.

˝Wanda is finally talking to Pepper. I know that it’s a small step, but after years of silence.˝

˝That’s nice.˝ You said smiling wildly.

˝What is with you and Pietro? Will he finally ask you out? I mean that boy has enough courage to be in the battlefield, but can’t move forward with you.˝ He pocked your cheek with his finger which caused you to laugh.

˝Shouldn’t you be against it?˝ You asked still laughing.

˝He is a good kid. I basically raised him.˝

˝Oooh shut up, you idiot.˝ You punched his shoulder lightly.

˝You two were close since you were kids, so should I start planning a wedding?˝

˝You are the worst, I don’t love you anymore.˝ You pushed him playfully away from you, but he quickly pulled you back to him.

* * *

Bucky watched from the window as you were laughing with your father. He missed your smile, he missed you, but he lost you. He flinched when he felt an arm on his shoulder. Turning around he was met with Pietro.

˝Can we talk?˝ Pietro asked keeping his voice low, still a bit unsure of what he was about to say.

Bucky nodded sitting down on the bench that was placed next to the window.

˝I know that you still love her. I wan..˝ He was playing with his fingers while his eyes moved from Bucky to the ground.

˝Look, I have to stop you there. I’m not sure what you are going to say, but before you do I have to tell you that whatever you have with her, I want you both to be happy. The two of us were never really friends, but I know what you’ve been through and you were still there for her and I’m grateful for that.˝

˝She will never love me like she loves you, Bucky. I’m aware that she still loves you and I will step back if you both are willing to try, only don’t hurt her this time.˝ Pietro quickly said.

˝No.˝ Bucky kept himself calm, knowing that he can’t hurt you again even if that means letting you go to another man.

˝What? Do you know how hard is this for me to tell you that? I love here since we were barely ten, but she always saw you. I want her to be truly happy and I don’t think she could be that with me.˝

˝I know that you have good intentions, but you shouldn’t be saying something like that. Be selfish for once in your life Pietro, don’t let her slip from your fingers. I love her, but clearly not as much as you do˝, his voice cracked so he stopped for a moment. His hands were shaking, but he quickly composed himself again, clearing his throat.  ˝I hurt her and I can’t be close to her again. She deserves a man like you and not me. So, love her and be good to her because you are not aware how much it hurts losing her, don’t let yourself to find out.˝ He could feel tears that were falling from his eyes, so he wiped them with the back of his hand before breathing in deeply. He stood up in silence not even letting Pietro say anything and he headed to his room. Taking his bag that he already packed, just after your conversation. He left while nobody was watching only sending Steve a short message that he was heading home that this was too much for him.

He hoped that he will be happy in future after everything that happened to him and what happened between you. He thought that maybe now when you two talked he had a chance to live without the guilt, but it wasn’t that simple. As much as he wanted to be happy, to him it seemed unreachable. This time he was at least aware that you are happy and that lifted some weight from his chest. He knew that he can’t be your friend after what happened the last time because he could never be just that, so he decided to stay away from you.

As years past by he heard that you got married and a few years later you and Pietro got twins. Bucky smiled to himself happy for you, but dying inside because you will always be the one that got away and he will never forget you.


End file.
